a week of hilariousness in a nutshell

-Last Tuesday at work: in the middle of the afternoon, I walk by the store's jewelry display, and notice that one of the jewelry boxes is facing the wrong way. Sure enough: it's empty. I notify my manager, and she and I narrow down the general time it must've been shoplifted. She walks me over to the surveillance camera hub, and we start watching the morning activity in the store. Within ten minutes, six other museum employees are crowded around the screens, laughing hysterically as Heather takes turns speeding up and slowing down the museum store tapes, thereby making my recorded self look like Captain Jack Sparrow.

-An hour later: I'm being questioned by a Capitol Square cop, trying to give her information about the woman we caught on camera stealing the jewelry. By the time she leaves, I'm shaking like a leaf, and my manager finally asks me, "What's wrong with you; why are you freaking out? YOU didn't do anything wrong." To which I replied, "Did you HEAR that cop?! I felt like I was being questioned by The Closer!! I nearly made up a crime in my head, just so I could confess to something!"

-Last Wednesday I'm walking over E. Johnson and Butler. Without warning I suddenly hear a succession of loud pops, and literally stop in my tracks in the middle of the intersection. A glimpse into my mind at that exact moment: 'Holy Mother of WALES!! Is someone shooting? Is it the capitol lawn? Should I call the cops? Am I going to DIE?! Did I leave my underwear in the middle of my bedroom floor?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?'
And then, in the middle of my stream-of-consciousness panic attack, I hear the sound again, and subsequently my eye catches on something floating through the air. It's a long ream of bubble wrap. Yes, the popping sound was cars running over the bubble wrap. And yes, running over bubble wrap with my car is most definitely now on my bucket list.

-Last Friday at work: a local Wisconsin public middle school brought in their kids for a tour of the museum. I'm watching as four of the boys walk in ahead of their group, carrying the giant lunch coolers. I make a passing comment to the 10-year-old boys about their impressive muscles, and one of the boys turns to me, levels me with a scornful look and says, "Well, yeah, WE'RE strong. We're GUYS. WAY stronger than YOU." Next thing I know, I'm challenging a 10-year-old to an arm wrestling competition, whilst my male colleagues verbally egg me on. The contest never actually occurred, but the kid and I walked away with mutual respect for each others' smack talk abilities.

-Later that same day: I'm finishing up a change order for the bank, when suddenly two cop cars, sirens blaring, drive up the sidewalk and park outside the museum entrance. Two cops bust through the doors, hands on their holsters, yelling, "WHAT'S THE EMERGENCY?" Turns out someone at the museum's visitor services rep. desk accidentally hit one of the panic buttons. Suffice it to say, my manager ended up having to pat me on the back, telling me to take deep breaths. Yeah...unfortunately, I'm that token person in the crowd whose first instinct in an emergency is to panic.  ::facepalm::  Oh well, so I'll never be an Avenger. Or a cop. Or a doctor. Or a lifeguard. Or...well, let's just say I've probably picked the correct career for me...